"when i was just a little girl i asked my mother what will i be? will i be pretty! will i be rich !" Is this what all matter? "Will i be pretty?" what a victory ha! this is what i called !stupid inocient !" pretty refugee; holding her daughter in one hand and in the other holding her pharmacy licence .. walking in the street of Amman like a missing annonymous. I am moving with my parents from one flat to another; trying to find something they called " comfort" and " home". I am counting days down to the time i can define my future plans . I Hardly can see my husband; i am suffering from his being far away from us and not in a safe place as well. Ramtha is where he works is located near borderline of syria. I hardly find time to write a new post. i am busy with my daughter; she had three new teeth this week!!! and she loves to start walking; she is moving few steps and then falling apart. I feel lonly with my inner thoughts. what a world! i never think that life will go this far with me! i i am giving my best after all. i am trying everything. knocking every doors infront of me to get ride from this EMPTY hole! I registered in UNHCR I applied for humanitarian immigration to Australia. i applied for diversity visas. i will be very glad if anyone just can help me with a thoughts! opinions maybe . I need a miracle to get out of here..

"Sometimes you don't want to know the end,because how could the end be happy? how could you as a person turn back to the one you was when so much bad had happened!! how could I laugh again when I gave up smilling for months! How could I start a life when my own one was taken off by an ISIS in a sudden?! How could I stand up on my feet again when everything I was working for: my license as a pharmacist, my car , my pharmacy and my small apartment went with our lost's Mosul ? how could I live "motherhood" with a Mom living under the ISIS abuse! How  could I give my expected baby a "life" from a died soul ! How could I gave her "peace" when I was living my fears ! And how could I be her home when I don't have a home ! yes, i was so afraid. I was feeling so empty inside when in fact I had a " baby girl" inside !! But in the other hand I was busy counting days down and waiting . I was waithing for a change since I was in the middle of dead sea and things no matter how bad they goes; they can't be worse. In the middle of that dark and long nights; my parents with my old, sick grandmother successfully ran away from the occupied Mosul and came to Jordan through a very dangerous road. My parents being next beside me helped me so much but not enough to complete my pregnancy period.When I was on my 36 week of pregnancy, "Dima" my daughter was born through caesarean section on 21 of January 2015.I felt so blessed to have her safe as I have been told before the surgery that I lost the baby. She was 1900 Gr(4 pound) in weight , she looked tiny and weak but luckily was healthy. Raising her up to this day was so much hard because of turbulent situations we have passed through as my sick grandmother died after struggling parkinsonism for years. Nowaday , I'm living with my daughter and my parents in Amman / Jordan away from my husband "Hasan" who had to move to "Ramtha" far in the north where is the only place to have a chance to work because of liecence issues.As I have told you in my previous posts, we proposed a request to the united nations (UNHCR) to seek asylum . We are refugees in Jordan since July 2014,since when our case didn't proceed any step.Waiting the case to reach resettlement stage seems like waiting forever. The little salary of my husband and the indefinite future we could give to our daughter put us in a terrible emotional situation. I am almost not sleeping , I can't stop thinking . There are that empty holes inside , the inferior feeling that I can't give my daughter the future that every human deserve . I don't want her life to be a copy _paste of my old scary life memories .                                                               I MUST DO SOMETHING!! Turn the page ! no that won't be enough.. I shall change the book , the writer , the editor and just keep the charecter (no body can be the heroes of the other's life). I sale 25 years of my life to buy peace , being a refugee guarantees this for me but resettlement in another country is the only way to start a new peaceful life . There is no clear view about how long the resettlement will take , I can't build my life here in jordan as being non-jordanian make you rightsless, you can't get legal job lieceince or drive liecence , the only thing that Jordan offer to help you is to vaccinate your baby for free. Thinking about illegal immigration seems like suicide for me , of course it is not worse than waiting this long-term resettlement but it will be my last choice since I can't ever put my daughter in that shoes or let's say a boat! So illegal immigration .....................................had been cancelled. Our case in UNHCR.................................... on pending since one and a half year. Community proposal pilot to australia ........who will sponsor us? how can i get an approved proposing organizations?                                                          SO WHAT TO DO?! Any reader , focus with me please ! i do really need your help , give me your recommendations to solve my situations , let my voice be heared by media ,share this post with your friends , connect me to any organizations that can support me . e-mail me on :hnk1989@gmail.com. And just keep praying....